I recently found this article in People magazine titled, “‘Rent a Mom’ Programs Provide Help for College Students Across the U.S. — and Cost up to $10K a Year“. To me, this headline was disturbing.
To me it points out this dangerous fact: we need to build community. This may seem obvious, but what I mean is – actually supportive community. I think we’re so far removed from our basic human needs of community that is mutually supportive that we don’t even recognize it’s a thing.
It’s totally normal to outsource mom duties to other members of a supportive community. It’s essential. But strangers? For $10K?
To me it says: kids need help. They aren’t getting all their needs met, and it’s not just the kids from families that generally lack resources. It’s also the kids from well-to-do families that can afford an extra $10K per year.
So these services range from concierge services – banking, laundry, grocery shopping – to assistance with urgent care and course selection.
Parents said it’s worth the service as they’re able to spend more “stress-free time” with their children. But this seems off to me.
The Dilemma
Yes, parenting is a big job. A huge life transition from living with parents to living on your own in dorms for the first time requires a lot of support and hand-holding.
But in the words of Whitney Houston’s classic, “I believe the children are our future,” and when these kids aren’t getting enough of the support they need, it’s no wonder we have an entire generation of kids with mental health problems.
This dilemma shows us a few problems with our culture:
- Parents can’t do it all. It takes a village to raise a child. Especially during major life transitions.
- Parents are probably overwhelmed because they’re both overworked while trying to raise kids.
- We are teaching our kids that it’s safer to purchase support from strangers than to build stronger communities.
Two Parents Aren’t Enough
So we’re all aware of the idea that it takes a village to raise a child. But for some reason, we still expect ourselves to do it all on our own.
Now consider that nearly 1/4 of all children are being raised by single moms. It’s even more imperative that we build a community around us to support the children.
One or two parents can’t do everything for a child. If we can’t do it, we need to be able to call upon an auntie.
If our kids are moving across the country, and they need in-person help, it would be ideal to have a network so strong that we could call upon a friend or relative who lives closer to them to help. Not a rent-a-mom.
Surely we have the connections on Facebook, right? So why do we feel like we can’t call upon them, and we’d prefer to pay strangers exorbitant fees to do these things?
Parents are Overwhelmed
Now more than ever, both parents are required to work full time. Stay-at-home moms who have the time to devote to meeting all the needs of a child going off the college are more rare.
Paying a stranger money to help your child do laundry and go grocery shopping means (a) the parents weren’t available emotionally or otherwise to teach these skills before they left college, or, (b) kids still need help transitioning, and basic tasks like this are too taxing.
Hence the comment above from the parent who felt that outsourcing these tasks to a rent-a-mom led to more quality time with their kids.
This is obviously a problem and points out that we are all overwhelmed in general.
The Subconscious Message
Outsourcing tasks of basic life skills, and support during transitions to strangers, sends a subconscious message to these kids.
That they cannot and should not rely on other people to help them meet their needs. They should strive to make enough money on their own to pay strangers as a “rent a mom”. Traditionally, the community met these needs.
The fact that we are normalizing services like this to children who don’t remember what it’s like to actually have community support, further separates these kids from any sense of community, and should make them feel like they’re living in survival mode – all on their own.
We’re not built to operate that way. And instead of putting in the effort to learn how to build supportive community, we’ve normalized a back-route of paying for it. Still not fixing the problem.
What Can We Do?
You might say, well, that sounds nice, but that’s just not how society’s built today. Okay – sure, if you’re going with the status quo.
But like all things in life, if there’s something broken, you work to fix it. A satisfactory life requires an empowered attitude like this. It takes intention. But it’s not impossible.
There are other people out there in this same position and it just takes a few people to realize, wait – we need to connect and work to build supportive community.
We are More Connected than Ever
Nowadays we all probably have connections all over the country, and all over the world. But they’re superficial. We have to develop the skill of building community with loose contacts.
Through Facebook and Instagram and other kinds of social media, we have the ability to have a thriving, global social network, that is supportive. And can you imagine having a worldwide network, that wherever you go, you have supportive community?! This was unimaginable 20 years ago!
I think it’s a matter of learning new skills, and solidifying old ones. Remembering how to create community among people you live by, and interact with regularly, as well as learning how to establish real, supportive connections with people who live further away as well.
A New Connected World, Supported People
As our society hits a rock-bottom in many ways, we can easily see what’s broken. And we can fix those things.
We have the capability to have a thriving, supportive community. One that can give us the same sense of security we used to have 50 years ago. Not only that — even more security. Because we have technology to globally connect us and potentially have world-wide support.
More than ever, we have an understanding of what children need. And people in general. We have the awareness which means we can work to change it. Let’s connect to build this global network.
